I'll Walk With You
I’ll Walk with You is hosted by Rhonda Monson and Dakota Moses, mother and son.
Rhonda is a licensed mental health counselor for the state of Washington, life coach, and she facilitates personal growth retreats.
Her website is www.yourjourneyservices.com
Dakota is a professional singer, actor, hairdresser, and overall creative.
Rhonda is an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Dakota is deeply spiritual, and has been married to his husband for 8 years. Both Rhonda and Dakota have felt the call to use their voices for peace, deeper connections, and more unity in this ever divisive and darkening world. This is why they have chosen to do this podcast, and why they have chosen the name "I’ll Walk with You," as each week they share an episode highlighting how we can be more unified in our walk with others in this life.
I'll Walk With You
Diane Moses
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Hello, this is Dakota from I’ll Walk With You. I am honored to introduce you to my dear auntie, Diane Moses.
Diane is an inspiration. She is truly a light, and a living example of how we can overcome obstacles and choose love.
In this conversation, she shares some of her life experiences from growing up in town and on the reservation, overcoming alcohol and getting sober, leaving the gang life to raise her child in a better way, and fostering many children along the way, at one point having 16 people in the house. She says she was always seen driving 20 kids in a van.
She talks some about her personal relationship with God and how her parents helped her through every phase of life, and how caring for others has been an integral part of her life and identity.
She talks about the importance of learning healthy boundaries and learning how to say no, and take care of herself, while caring for others.
Near the end of the conversation, she talks about holding her grandbaby. She says that while she looked at him in her arms, she thought, “If you can be born in such a volatile, crazy time, and be so pure and so innocent, and strive to live, then I can too.”
Her example of love, of care, and of genuine concern for her fellow man is so honorable and admirable.
I am so grateful to have had this opportunity to welcome her onto the show, and I am excited for you to have the opportunity to listen in. Thank you for joining us!
Hello, this is Dakota from I'll Walk With You. I am honored to introduce you to my dear auntie Diane Moses. Diane is an inspiration. She is truly a light and a living example of how we can overcome obstacles and choose love. In this conversation, she shares some of her life experiences from growing up in town and on the reservation, overcoming alcohol and getting sober, leaving the gang life to raise her child in a better way, and fostering many children along the way, at one point having 16 people in the house. She says she was always seen driving 20 kids in a van. She talks some about her personal relationship with God and how her parents helped her through every phase of life, and how caring for others has been an integral part of her life and identity. She talks about the importance of learning healthy boundaries and learning how to say no and take care of herself while caring for others. Near the end of the conversation, she talks about holding her grandbaby. She says that while she looked at him in her arms, she thought, if you can be born in such a volatile, crazy time, and be so pure and so innocent and strive to live, then I can too. Her example of love, of care, and of genuine concern for her fellow man is so very honorable and admirable. I am so grateful to have had this opportunity to welcome her onto the show, and I am excited for you to have the opportunity to listen in. Thank you for joining us. Hello, everyone, and welcome back to I'll Walk With You, the podcast where we have conversations about how we can all be more unified on our walk through life together. My name is Dakota Moses.
SPEAKER_01I'm Rhonda Monson, and this is our amazing guest, Diane Moses. I've known Diane for before Dakota was born. Um she is cousins with Dakota's dad. And Diane just has a tremendous story of love, inclusion, and um just a really huge heart as we have been thinking about different guests that we've wanted on this podcast. Um, Diane, you came to my heart. And um I do, I love your story, and and we've only we've met actually quite a few times, but it's always just been gatherings more than just where you and I've ever just had the chance to talk. But I've known I don't know how to say it, just I've watched you and I've listened to you when you've talked, when you've shared, when you've gathered people, when you've gathered family. Your circle is huge. It's very big and it's very inclusive. And like I shared with you earlier before we started recording, you've always been kind to me. You've always included me in that circle. Always, even since the divorce, I've always felt this kinship with you, and I appreciate that. And so you were just really truly a perfect guest for this podcast. Well, don't be making me cry now. Not yet. We'll get it.
SPEAKER_04Yes.
SPEAKER_05Well, Diane, I would love to hear just um Yeah, tell tell us about yourself a bit.
SPEAKER_04Um, well, my name is Diane Moses, and um, as you know, I am your auntie. But um I lived in the Spokane area a long time. Um, and then I decided to move over to Seattle. I am a Spokane tribal member. Um, I do try to include myself in as many things as I can um as far as community-wise here and there, um, because I think that's important to um to stay connected. And so I'm I'm very grateful that you invited me here to be able to talk, you know, about whatever we're talking about. I'm down. Yeah. So thank you.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Another thing I wanted to share is that you have been a foster mom to many children. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. I um I started fostering kids before I actually had a foster license to do it.
SPEAKER_03Wow.
SPEAKER_04So um, in the family that I I live in, which is also uh an extended family, my brother had married into a family from Montana. And um, unfortunately, the the cycle was not broken in all of those things that tend to happen to us as you know humans. And addiction was a big, big problem in the family. And so um I ended up with a lot of their children, um, one way or another, whether they were dropped off and never came and picked back up. And um, and then I was lucky that in 1998 I got my first foster child who was Angela, and um nobody wanted to kind of take her because she was born addicted to drugs and alcohol, and so um, which is so crazy because I was actually going to be leaving to the police academy the very next week when I heard about um Angela. And so I thought about it a really long time and I thought, well, she's uh she doesn't have anybody. Nobody's gonna nobody's gonna take her, you know. And I was warned when I got her, you know, all the things and and whatever. And so that's when I officially became like a foster parent because she was nine days old and I had to go through the foster classes and um and and honestly, I think since then there were only like three other official children that were foster children. Okay, but other children just kind of came, you know what I mean? And I had to jump through hoops to get them because technically um the extended family I was not related to by blood, only like maybe a couple of them. And even though I consider them my nieces, my nephews, and you know, whatever, um, I had to really jump through hoops to try to keep them with me in my family. And um, so yeah, it was a journey. I mean, I mean I've been a single mom my whole life. Yeah. And um, and it's hard, right? Because I had a child of my own. And I had to really learn how to to make that time for him too, right? So that he didn't feel cheated while trying to give um children who are not mine the same amount of love so they didn't feel that they were disregarded or not the same. So it was tough. And and those are still challenges that I deal with now that he's a man. You know, um, he felt a little cheated, but um I think looking back, maybe a couple things I would have changed, but I would have never changed that because um they had a safe home, they had a place to go to, they had shelter, they had food, they had clothes, and and most of them, most of them did okay, you know. I mean, you know, not all of them. Yeah, some of them kind of fell through those those hoops, but I mean, like um a good part of them I'm still in in touch with. I have a huge gathering during 4th of July down by the water, you know, and uh, you know, they they come every year, most of them, and and that's our time to see each other, you know. And they're not perfect, you know what I mean? But yeah, but you know, I I love them for who they are, and and that's really all we can do as human beings, you know, is try to accept people for who they are. Right. I think we I think we're all a little short of something, you know what I mean? We are we all have we all have our little niches, you know. We do. Yeah, so yeah, it was it it was rewarding. It was very hard to be to be a foster parent because you know, you're taking um you're really literally taking a a child who has been through, depending on the age, you know what I mean, been through some real radical, gnarly things. And you want to love them and you want to give them everything that you have inside of you, but DNA is a tough thing to hit, you know, to hit sometimes, right? Because they all are suffering the trauma of their parents, you know, their blood, their blood parents. So yeah, you know, I mean, it was a tough road sometimes. I didn't always get the outcome. Yeah. And I used to tell that because I used to sit on the panels, um, the foster parent panels, they would ask us to come and talk. And I'd say, just remember, um, you know, we're all full of love and we want to love them. And um, but sometimes love isn't enough, right? Because you can um, this just happened to me. I was raising, I consider him my grandchild. I've had him since he was 18 months old, and all he ever do wanted to do was go back home, you know, no matter how much I loved him, and he knew that he just wanted to go back home. He knew his mom was, you know, on drugs, he knew that things weren't perfect, but he just wanted to go home, you know. And so I think that drive is in all of us, right? To want our our mom or our dads or you know, whoever that is. And so I couldn't compete with that. I had to let him to go home and and try it out. So it's tough, you know, it's heartbreaking.
SPEAKER_05How old was he when when he went home?
SPEAKER_04He just left last year, he was 16. Wow, wow, yeah, that was really hard for me. It was a hard one to swallow because I had to really fight to get him on the right road. Um, they have all that stuff inside of them, right? And they have anger, they have confusion, they have abandonment, they have all these issues. And just as you get them right, sometimes the natural parent is like, Oh, come over here. You know what I mean? Yeah, and um, so yeah, yeah, it was really it was a hard one to swallow. And he he's doing okay, but he's doing okay on his own. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, he didn't he didn't get what he thought he was gonna get. Yeah, so you know, but um, we keep in touch, good, you know. I mean, he knows, you know, but I think a little bit of pride in being a rebellious teenager stops him from coming home. So yeah. It's not it's not like the same when we were kids, Rhonda.
SPEAKER_01It's true, it is true. There it's we're I think in culture in general, whether that be native, white, yeah, whatever, I just think our culture in general is becoming so separate when we used to be so much more unified. I mean, we knew our neighbors, you know, we we interacted with people. We we I don't know, it's it's a very separate world. And that's what this podcast is about is about coming together, unifying and walking together, you know, because we see the separateness and we see the damage and the hurt and the harm that that separateness causes.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah, and that's it's it's really a sick world right now, it's a really sad world right now. And I sometimes I get on social media every now and then, and I'm just like, what are these people thinking? Like, you know what I mean? Like some of the things that I read, and I'm just like, oh god, I gotta just get off of here because it's too much, you know. So yeah, yeah, absolutely. But I would not ever tell nobody not to be a foster parent. You know, I I I think it's very enriching and and um it doesn't all end up bad and it's it's worth it in the end, especially if it leads to adoption, you know what I mean. Yeah, I didn't have I didn't have that choice because um, you know, sometimes when you're involved with the reservations, um, or you know, any of the native tribes around, um, they won't let you adopt. They believe that keeping that open line to their family is number one, which is great if the family does what they're supposed to do. You know what I mean? And it doesn't always end that way, unfortunately.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_04So yeah, yeah, I was always seen with about 20 kids in my van.
SPEAKER_05How many, um, how many kids have come through your home?
SPEAKER_04So there's been 26. Um, I guess if you include um my grandson, I just never really thought of him as a foster kid, but yeah, yeah, 20, 26. Um, some of them stayed through their teens. Some of them I got when they were little. Um, and then they would end up going back to like a family member, or um, the dad or the mom would get their life together and come and get them. Um, but a lot of them I had for a very long time. You know, and and again, this was, you know, me trying to just get through the system, right? Because I didn't get, you know, a lot of people be like, Oh, I bet you get a lot of money for these kids. And I'm like, No, I I don't. You know what I mean? Like, I work, I you know, I take care of these kids, but I don't go to the welfare and be like, hey, can I get a a check for these kids? You know what I'm saying? I'm not related to these kids, so you know it's not like I can get any of that that assistance, you know. Every now and then the only thing I asked for was medical so that they could could get medical. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05How many were in your home at one time?
SPEAKER_04Oh, geez. So when Lisa had um, Lisa's my sister, and I think you guys probably always see her with me. Um, when she had Dre, and then I got Angela a month before, and then she had Dre. Right after that, um, I had heard that my nephew and his girlfriend's children were left alone in a home. And so they were like one, two, and six months old.
SPEAKER_05Wow.
SPEAKER_04I went and kicked the door in and um I took them. And it was it was a horrible, it was it was very horrible to see. And I got hold of CPS and I said, Hey, you know, um, I I need to take these babies, you know. Well, they're already in my home. I'm not gonna lie. I went and took them, you know what I mean? And uh so here we are with we'd start off on this corner, and we had like you know, five babies in one room every morning. Yeah. And then they stayed about uh almost a month, and then the mom she got she kind of straightened up, and then you know, of course, um the courts kind of favored, you know, what she was doing. Um, and it was kind of sad because she she did do well um with two, but two of them went back into the system. And um, I just really wish they would have just left him with me. You know, what what was the sense? Right. So at that time that was five babies. One, two, three, four. We had 16 in the house at that time.
SPEAKER_05Wow, yeah, oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, and it it was it was a crazy time, but I'm I'm a very resourceful person, let me tell you what. I can find some deals.
SPEAKER_05Wow, you'd have to, yeah, with 16 people.
SPEAKER_01I'm I'm just curious how how big how big was your house at the time?
SPEAKER_04So at the time it was um a f it had six bedrooms in it. Oh, and so we yeah, it was decent. And so what we did was the the house that we were gonna buy at the time, and while we were buying it, well the the upstairs was an apartment. So we like completely took all that stuff out and just made it like a big huge room. Okay, and and so basically it was like wall-to-wall bunk beds, and the girls got a separate room from the boys. Okay. So we made it work, yeah you know. Yeah, and it you know, it was tough sometimes, like there was never no privacy, there was never no time to yourself, yeah, for sure, you know. So, but it it we did okay. It worked out. I tried to make sure that they a number one knew their culture at all times. Um, they used to go to Saturday, Sunday school um every week and they couldn't wait to go there. And um, so you know, I tried to whatever they wanted to do, I don't press um my beliefs on them, but I did try to at least show them their culture so that they knew what it was. Yeah, you know, and that and that they that they couldn't grow up and say, Well, I'm a Native American and I don't even know my culture.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_04You know what I mean? I try to make sure that they they knew that that part of themselves while also being open to whatever it was that they wanted to do as far as spiritually goes. Yeah, you know, that ain't my business either. You know, you do what you want to do. So, and I've had I've had some different ones, you know. Um I've actually had uh one of them who decided to to be Mormon. Oh, and he he went off to do really well, and um, and then you know, other ones chose different churches, you know, and it was like, okay, well, that's what we're doing, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So but I'm always in support of that. I don't judge anybody. I don't, that's your business. Again, that's your business.
SPEAKER_02Right, right.
SPEAKER_04As long as you're not trying to press it on me, I'm good, you know.
SPEAKER_01Right. One of the things that you do every year, I believe, anyhow, is you always have a huge dinner in September at the powow that is on the Spokane Indian Reservation. And every time I've gone, there are a lot of people there that you invite, that everybody's welcome, everybody's included. And I want I want to know like how you started that. Um yeah, just where where did that come from?
SPEAKER_05And and how do you manage to feed so many people?
SPEAKER_01Yes, because you don't ask for anything, you just it's amazing.
SPEAKER_04So uh when I was growing up there, my yaya's uh mama messy um and Bessie, that would be uh Samantha and Tibby's Yaya. Um, they used to have an old, it was like a canvas tent, but it looked like a little house, you know. And they had this wood stove in there, and there was always like a big pot of either stew or chili or whatever it was. And anybody could come in in and out of that tent. It was the cook shed, you know. At any given moment, she didn't care who you are, if you were drunk or whatever, if you needed to eat, you could go in there and you could eat. When my dad, and then they tore all those down because they used to just stay up yearly, and then you know, time changed and they started to tear all that stuff down. And then my dad was like, you know, we should never forget that. You know, we should always do this. So it kind of started with him. He wouldn't really do anything, we did everything, but you know, he it was his idea, and then um it just kind of went from there. I I actually feed four times a year, so I I feed during um that powwow. I I have a big Memorial Day dinner, which everybody's always welcome to. I I usually do it at the powwow grounds if it's a nice day, and um then at 4th of July, anybody and everybody is welcome to come and eat. It may not always be on 4th of July, though. We usually do it on a Sunday because Uncle's always like stuck on Sundays, so we you know we go down there and have on a Sunday, and then I try to feed one more time throughout the year, whether it's over here or over there, if I can pinch it in before it gets winter time. And and honestly, the food question, um, a lot of people just volunteer, you know. I mean, oh, can I bring this? Can I bring that? And I'm like, yeah, bring it, let's do it, you know. Um, and never, I don't know. I think like sometimes we were just talking about this not very long ago, and I was like, you know, I feel like there's just a blessing there that happens every time we have that meal because especially the one in September, because the food just appears, you know. So we don't ever really I think the most we spend on, really honestly, is the the plates and the silver because the the food just kind of shows up, you know. Everybody's like, Oh yeah, I'm gonna bring whatever, you know. And I'm like, all right, let's do that. You know? That's incredible. And I appreciate that. And I have a core, I have a core group too, like a core group that really just Wants to help and they want to bring food and they want to do stuff like that. So yeah. But I I also grew up watching my mom feed six, eight, six to eight hundred people at my dad's powwows that he used to hold in the 80s. And so yeah, you know, it's just kind of like I guess it's in my blood.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I don't know. My last memory of your dad was um him holding Dakota as a baby. Yes. We actually had a gathering at a park here in Spokane, and he came to that. I loved your dad, by the way. Yeah. I just a kind, good man, really, really great man. And he held Dakota, and I don't remember exactly what he said, but he just was like loving you. He just I loved your dad. Like every interaction I had with him. I was so sad when he passed away because he was so welcoming. Again, just like so loving and so welcoming. Again, at least to me, I you know, that's my experience, like just so welcoming and loving. And he just he was so happy that you were here and that you were alive and born and like just loved, poured love into you. Again, I don't remember what he said, but it was all love. And I was like, Oh, you can hold my baby anytime. Yeah, you know, you love babies.
SPEAKER_04I know I I don't think I've ever met anybody that met my dad that said anything like wrong about him, honestly, you know. And I did spend a lot of time with my dad. I know a lot of the stories. I'm actually writing kind of a memoir. Wow, that's incredible of his stories and um and some of the things that he told us, you know, and I'm saying, and just growing up in that atmosphere with him, you know, and learning the things we did because, you know, I mean, he was a really bad alcoholic, and then he changed his life. And I mean, we traveled everywhere. There was nowhere we didn't go to dance, there was nowhere we didn't go to sing, and um, and we did it for everybody. We didn't just do it, you know, at an in a Native American space. We went to nursing homes, we went to boarding schools, we went to foster homes, you know, to teach about the the native culture and also to just so they could see, you know what I mean? Because a lot of people, it's amazing to me when people say they've never seen Native Americans, you know, dance or whatever. And I'm like, where have you been? You know, like, yeah, you know, so yeah, yeah. I I just tried to learn the the best I could from everything when it came to so I have a question for you.
SPEAKER_01Tell us a little bit about what it was like growing up, you know, in the 70s, 80s as a Native American and just how that worked for you being in the Spokane area. Um, was it easy? Was it hard? What were some of your experiences with that?
SPEAKER_04Well, and when you're a kid, of course, you don't really know. You know what I mean? Like those differences are just not there. We just ran through the neighborhood rugged with all the other kids. We didn't care what color they were. But it wasn't until I moved to the South Hill because my dad had sold the house. We lived over in the Commerce area, kind of by Trent and uh Feltz Field.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_04So that was one of those neighborhoods that you see on TV. Like everybody knew each other, everybody was safe. But um, when we moved to the South Hill, and then I went to a school up there, it was kind of a preparatory school at the time. That was the first time I noticed, like, I'm different. I'm not. And and everybody said it. Like the principal was like, Well, we've never had an Indian at our school before, you know, like, so how are we supposed to treat her? You know, and my mom was like, Well, I hope you treat her like you treat everybody else, you know. But it was really tough at that school. I couldn't wait to leave that school, like for real. I was like, that was probably the first time I learned how to really fight. Oh, you know what I mean? It was the sixth grade, and I had had enough of my braid being pulled, and you know, this whoa, you know, and all this, and I I finally let this boy have it, you know. And um, so that was that was tough, you know. And my dad would always be like, you know, my dad was the calmest person ever. He never yelled, he never screamed, you know. And he'd just be like, Well, some people are just like that, you know. But my mom, on the other hand, was not a calm being, you know, and she'd be like, Well, when you get a chance, just punch him in the face, you know. I was like, I was really confused, like, am I supposed to punch him in the face or hug him? I don't know, you know. So it was really like this battle, you know. And in seventh and eighth grade, I did okay. I managed to find my own little breakfast club. I think you know what I'm talking about, right? Yeah, yeah. You know, I um kind of hung out with the weirdos of the school, but we were cool weirdos. And um, I I enjoyed my seventh and eighth grade, you know. I I fit in. It was like, okay, I'm not on the South Hill. I'm not with these preppy people who are judgy. And but when I hit high school, I went to Welpinate. Now, my first day at Welpinett High School was the most racist I've ever been treated in my entire life.
SPEAKER_01And just for our listeners' sake, Welpinate is on the Spokane Indian Reservation.
SPEAKER_04Yes. So my dad chose to move back to the reservation and I was 14 years old. And um all summer long I was terrified. Not not of the natives because I had been raised on the reservation, you know, but but not living there, you know what I mean? I had come to visit, I had seen my cousins, you know. And the very first day of school, they were um saying racial slurs to me, you know. They kept calling me um concrete Indian, you know, I'm a concrete Indian or uh white girl, you know, they would say things like that to me, you know. And so I went home, I was crying, you know, and I told my dad, I was like, man, they they don't like me, they don't think I'm Indian, you know, or native, you know. And he was like, he goes, well, he goes, they don't know better. But then, you know, I was kind of like, well, they should. Didn't they have parents? Like, you know what I mean? Like, you know, it was always like beyond me to understand how come people act this way, you know what I mean? So it was rough the first year, and then um they're called my godbrothers. Um, they kind of stepped in and started protecting me, you know, and and so everybody kind of left me alone at that point. And then my dad's side moved us back to Spokane, and I, you know, I I got along in Spokane, you know. Um, we we moved, we were in primarily uh African American neighborhood, and I got to know all my friends, you know, and all that stuff. But it was the first time my teacher, he was an English teacher, and he goes, I would like for you to write me a report on being a half-breed. And I was like, Yeah. I was like, half-breed, you know what I mean? Like, I knew my mom was French-Canadian, you know what I mean? And my dad was a full-blooded, you know, Indian man. But I had never thought of myself as a half-breed, you know. I just always thought of myself as a native. I never and it wasn't that I was ashamed of that, you know, my mother was a different color than me. It was just no one had ever blasted that in my face before, you know. And I was like, wow, I don't even know how to write anything about this, you know what I mean? Like, I've been native my whole life, you know, and so it was tough, you know, and I told my dad about it. And of course, my dad came to the school and was like, I don't appreciate that, you know, and yeah. So I mean it was it was kind of interesting because I always felt like I was not quite good enough for the the white side of me when it came to my mom's family. Um, they were very they loved us, but there was a condition, right? I always knew we were different than the other grandkids. But, you know, and I and the people on the reservation loved me too, but sometimes it felt well, you live in Spokane, so you don't understand that type of thing. You know what I mean? And so I'm like, well, I don't understand because my dad is one of the most traditional people I know. You know what I mean? So I don't understand what what you know that I don't know. Yeah, just because I live 50 miles away from the reservation doesn't mean that I don't know what you're talking about, you know what I mean? So yeah, it was it was interesting and it did carry on into um to into my adult life, you know. Um, I still have those moments of feeling I don't know, it's kind of like on the outside looking in, you know what I mean? And it's uh there's only little moments, it's not like all the time, but it might be in just something somebody says or in a joke. Yeah, you know, and sometimes I find myself like I belong here too. You know. So yeah, I think that living off of the reservation, coming home to the reservation or the reservation back to the city is definitely a very like, whoa, you know?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_04And when I when I chose to move my son out here um to Seattle, it was very eye-opening for him. Because it was the first time he was in a school, primarily with um all kinds of people of color, you know, and he had to learn, you know, like whoa, you know, I'm I'm out here with all these people of color. I've never been in a school like this. Right, you know, but he made friends friends really fast and he adjusted really well, and I was really proud of him for that. Because some people can't get past those moments, you know. And I've always loved everybody, I don't care who you are, you know what I mean? I'm not I'm not a I you know, I've been called names too, but I'm just like, oh, why do you think I want to know why you think that? You know, I'm one of those people. Like, well, why do you think that of me? You know what I mean? Like, can we talk? Yeah, right, right. It wasn't always like that, but when I was uh later on after I started drinking and you know, all that stuff, that's when I kind of got involved with the wrong people, and you know, and then my demeanor definitely did change for the worse. And I liked to fight, and I didn't care who I fought, you know, and it was really just that I didn't like myself in that moment, you know what I mean? It was me just fighting all the the ugly, you know, and yeah.
SPEAKER_01And that's so important. That message alone is so important. So when we interact with or we see someone, you know, that's making different choices than we would do, you know, especially if they're drinking or if they're high or whatever, just to remember usually when someone goes down that path, at least that's the case with my clients, you know, who come in to see me, who've either currently and trying to walk a different road or have walked that road, it's usually because hurt. It's usually because they don't like themselves or it's past trauma or it's something. So to have compassion on people who are maybe even making a mess out of their lives, but still to have absolute compassion on them and hold space for that compassion and not judgment.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I don't, I don't, I just had to get after one of my nieces because she thank God she's sober now. You know what I mean? But she was really just looking down on people around her, you know, that were still drinking, you know. And I said, you know, I said, You're my dad used to say this all the time, you're one drink away from being who you used to be. You know, you really need to think about that. You know, and she is like, Oh, I can understand what you're saying. And I'm like, you know, these people haven't learned what you've learned, you know, these people haven't gotten to that point to where you're at, you know. And I was like, you just can't treat them like they're nothing because they that was you a couple of years ago. You are the annoying drunk person, you know what I mean? Like, so I mean, you just can't do that to people, right?
SPEAKER_01And even if it's not the annoying drunk person, it's the annoying thinks they know everything, or the annoying self-righteous, or the annoying, like we've all had our annoying times in our lives when it's us who's very annoying. Yeah, compassion for was never that person.
SPEAKER_05How old were how old were you when when you began drinking and started going down that road?
SPEAKER_04Um well, so I was like, so I think I kind of lived life backwards, right? So when I was 15, um, I became a CNA. And um I also yeah, I also kind of got groomed by an older um boyfriend, you know. Yeah and I moved out onto my in my own, you know. I just didn't me and my mom didn't have the perfect relationship. And rather than deal with it and try to mend it, I just split, you know. I was always around my dad, but I just didn't really mess with my mom a lot, you know. And so it ended up being a really bad, abusive relationship. And it wasn't until I was I want to say 19 when I finally got away from him.
SPEAKER_05Wow.
SPEAKER_04And and um, so I didn't ever have a life. I was always stuck at home, work, stuck at home, work, stuck at home, because I couldn't go nowhere, you know what I mean? And um nobody really knew what was going on. And um finally I was like, I've had enough. And um, yeah, I ended up breaking his knees and I left. I hit him with a baseball bat and I left.
SPEAKER_02Wow.
SPEAKER_04And um I told I called my dad and I was like, I I wanna I wanna come home because you know he was he was beating me too, and uh, his thing was biting, like he'd leave huge bite marks all over me, you know, because he wouldn't let me leave. And um so my dad wouldn't know, you know, in my face, you know. And um finally I called my dad and I was like, I've had enough, I want to come home, you know. So at 19, I decided to go out and find a life. And it happened to be drinking, you know what I mean? Everybody else was having so much fun drinking, you know, and um, but drinking hit me like um, oh man, like a hurricane. You know, it was not nice to me, it was not fun for me, it was not good for me. And um, when I decided to quit drinking, um the strangest thing happened, and I don't tell the story often, but I was very, very sick from drinking, and um we had an old bathroom that you had to do the pull light, you know, or whatever.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_04So I'm feeling around in this dark bathroom trying to find the lights thing, and all of a sudden, this it was to me, I don't care. It was the devil face. That's what it looked like to me. And it like just well, it scared me, you know, and I I fell backwards and I come flying out of the bathroom and I'm looking at my sister and she goes, What's wrong with you? And I was like, I I need to go somewhere, you know, and she goes, What do you mean? I'm like, I need to go to the hospital, you know. And so they took me to the hospital and then they sent me to detox for three days. Well, I don't know if you've ever been inside of a detox place, it's not a very nice place. And they take your shoes and they want you to lay on a mat beside people who are puking and are sick and just seeing things, and it's just not a very nice place, okay? And so I grabbed my shoes and I left. And I called my dad and I said, I'm dying. Literally, I said this, I'm dying, and I need your help. So I mean, he was in Spokane within 35 minutes. Like that's the fastest I've ever seen my dad drive in his life. And then uh from there I detoxed on my own. Um, Samantha and uh Tibby were there, they were just kids, and they took turns you know, helping me out, you know, getting through it. And they wanted me to go to a Native American treatment center, but there was this other one open that wasn't Native American, and I said, I don't think that addiction has a color. Yeah, so can you please just send me to the nearest one? Wow, please, you know. Well, you'll get more out of it. I said, I need to be somewhere to get well, and I don't care the color of the people that are there, you know. And um, so yeah, they sent me to uh this treatment center. I was the youngest person there. I was um I was 21, 22 when I quit drinking, and um I drove everybody crazy in that center because they were all older people. So um, but honestly, I didn't get the education from the treatment center. I got the education from the humans that were there with me. You know what I mean? And they really just taught me a lot. So and then um wow, yeah. That's kind of amazing. It was kind of funny because my dad always used to be like, he'd pray with me, oh let's we're gonna get it out of you, you know, blah blah. And I said, Dad, I'll make you a deal. I quit drinking when I'm 22. And it just so happens that, you know, I guess the devil made me do it. He scared me so bad that I was like, I'm done. You know. It didn't quite work the way you wanted to, I guess. I don't know, but um you scared me enough to quit.
SPEAKER_00Like you scared me, so you brought me back to the light. So thank you. Thank you.
SPEAKER_05I I love the symbolism of uh of that as well, with you being a bathroom feeling for the light. Like literally feeling for a a light. And and then that's what that was the moment that changed everything.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah, it really was.
SPEAKER_05It really is. Um, I don't I I don't know if that was an accident that that happened the way that it did.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, me neither. I I I guess it took whatever it took to get me there. And um, I just kind of always been this person that I learned my lesson the first time. I don't I I'm not I don't want to repeat it, you know what I mean?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_04And um, so with Davier, you know, they told me, well, they told me I'd never have children. And I I accepted that fact, and I think a lot of it was because um, you know, I was drinking so much I didn't care if I had children, right? You know, and six months after I get out of treatment, I get pregnant. And I'm like, wait, what? You're not supposed to make big six, you know, things in a in the year afterwards, you know. And I was like, all right, this is it. Because I was still part of the other parts of my life, you know, that were not so well.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04And like I said before, that's what I did. I just quit. I went to everybody. I was like, I'm done, I'm good, you know. And Lisa goes, We're gonna be homeless living in a car. I said, I don't care what we gotta do, I'm not gonna let my son see me live this life. You know, I I got sober for a reason, and it wasn't to be in this life, you know.
SPEAKER_01And when you're talking about this life, because we talked about it before we started recording, it's it's being in a gang. Yeah, that's what you're talking about, being in that life that you were in a gang and you were pregnant, and you're like, that's it. That's it.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, and they weren't, you know, the gangs these days. I kind of laugh at them because some of them just they're not real, you know what I mean. But these people were um, they were from California, they were from Watts, you know. They were not um in the in the 80s, the last part of the 80s, early 90s, Spokane, and I'm pretty sure you're aware of this, Spokane really um blew up with drugs, you know, crack cocaine was a thing, you know what I mean? Well, that was all coming from uh California. All the California gangs moved down here during that time because money was to be made, you know what I mean, at that time. And um, I just ended up meeting somebody who I didn't know really at the time was that way, and that's how I ended up getting involved. So yeah, I think that's probably why I stay single. I'm not a very good judge of character when it comes to men. I don't even know. I figured, well, I'm not good at it, so let me just stay single the rest of my life. So yeah, yeah, but I mean, I I'm still thankful, even for those moments in life. You know, people are always like, Well, would you change that? And I was like, No, you know, I wouldn't because it brought me to who I am today, you know. Yeah, there are many things that I learned along the way, and there are things that, you know, I I wouldn't I wouldn't change it because I might not be who I am today, you know what I mean.
SPEAKER_01I mean, so and up to all the people again that you bless their lives, you've blessed and you're continually blessing. So like God has a purpose in all of it. Like he takes all of everything, like even our stupid choices that we make. And if we turn to him, he's like, I will use that for good. I will move mountains with you. Like I've seen it so many times in my own life. I've seen it in other people's lives. Like we're like, use me for good. And he's like, all right, let's do this, you know? Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. And it, you know, life is just kind of interesting that way, right? Like, you know, I kind of um pulled away from uh religion for a while. Um, I kind of got angry for a while, you know, some of the things that were going on in my life. But, you know, as you know, my mom passed away uh two years ago. And um, she when they told her she was gonna die, we were at the hospital and she was in the talking to the hospice doctor. And he goes, Well, do you want to go to a hospice center? And she goes, No, I want to go home. And he was like, Okay, you know, and she looked at me and she goes, You got this right. And I go, I got it, you know. And I brought her home and we took care of her, you know, until she passed. But her um her undying love for God, uh I don't know, I had like a real spirit, I get emotional about it, but I had a real spiritual moment with her. And she had said, like, um, God carried me here to you because nobody else could do the job that you're doing. So he blessed your hands to take care of me. And I was like, wow. I looked at her and I was like, wow, mom, you know, that's crazy because I don't have that relationship with God. It's not that I don't, I wasn't a believer, I just didn't have that relationship. And so um, yeah, after you know, she passed, um I just kind of changed my mind about that. You know, I was reading some of the things that she had, you know, because she had like 10 Bibles and all kinds of women's study books, and you know, and um so yeah, I was, you know, and I definitely got um a little closer to that than I used to be because I definitely just kind of uh I can do it myself. You know what I mean? Yeah. So, you know, I really believe that um he was definitely here when um she needed him the most. Yeah, and Lord knows I always laugh about this because Roger and them happen to be here, and everybody is like, maybe we need to read last rites. So my grandchildren's um grandfather is a pastor, which I don't know exactly, you know, he's he's a big black man and he comes over, he does relax. Here comes Amy and Rogers, they're doing last rights. Then your you know, your dad gets on the phone and he sings, and I'm like, geez, mom, you've had so many last rites, I don't know who you're gonna follow on.
SPEAKER_03But yeah, we all got a good laugh out of that one. I was like, but it was all good love. Oh, I love it. Sound, yeah, no, I'm interested.
SPEAKER_05I'm interested to hear in in your life journey of having cared for so many people, um, and so many all at once, you know, from time to time, and be it feeding, you know, w with meals or um caring for children uh in your home, and with your history of, you know, you you you said you just loved fighting, right? Um I'm interested to hear how you have um how you've managed just with so much different energy from so many people and like conflict management and and how how you've managed to live just a beautiful and and mostly peaceful life. Like how how how is that how has that been?
SPEAKER_04Um I I really attribute that to my dad, and I and I love my mom very, very much. But my mom, she was very, she could get heated very quickly. Um, but my dad would just be like, just remember there's a lesson in everything. Just remember all people have something to say. Whatever that word is, it's something new you're learning, you know. And when I did fight, I fought hard, you know, and I I think about it now, and I was fighting myself, right? Because I I wasn't where I needed to be in life, and and I knew I could do better. I didn't come from that type of background, it just ended up being that way, you know. And um I don't know, I I feel like it is hard sometimes to be a caregiver, you know. It's it's tough because I I'm still in that position, even though right now I'm I'm dealing with some real rough health problems. And I'll I'm I have like three surgeries coming up, and I've been really, really sick a lot. And so today's a better day. Tomorrow might not be, but I just try to deal with it the best that I can. And uh, you know, I always used to say my food that I give is my love. You know what I mean? That's my love language. And um, my dad, one of the most important things he'd say is if you feed the people, then you feed them the love and all of the energy that you have inside of you. It gives them something to remember, you know, and I really lived by that, you know. And even if you come to my house, I'm gonna cook for you, you know. I remember you guys came over and visited. We did, we did, you know, and um, you know, I just I have to learn, I had I did learn how to meditate and kind of take those moments to myself.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_04Um, as I got older, um, after my mom passed away, I did start seeing uh, you know, a therapist. Um, because one of the things I had to learn as a caregiver are boundaries, you know, because um boundaries were really tough for me. It was really hard for me to say no, you know, to people. And um, I learned it's because nobody ever taught me it was okay to say no. You know, it's okay to take no, you know, I can't come do all that right now. I'm sick, or you know, maybe I just need to rest, you know. And so, you know, learning that it's okay to say no, or you know, it's okay to be sick, or it's okay that I need to rest, you know, was really tough for me because I don't know how to be that person, you know. So yeah, it was it's been a rough road learning how to learn to take care of myself, um, even to this day, you know. Um, I try to make sure when my mom passed away, I became the next mom to my brothers almost because you know, they call me all the time. Well, such and such is going on with me. What do you think I should do? And I'm like, Well, I think you should go see a doctor because I'm not a doctor, you know. I feel like it's very simple, you know. But I mean, like they do that stuff to me, you know, and I'm like, I don't know, you know, and um so I mean, but I take their calls and I I take that place, you know, because one of the things my mom said is before she passed, is she was like, they're all gonna come to you because I'm not here no more.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04And I was like, okay, and she goes, and you're gonna be okay, you know, and and I'm always like, Well, I'm glad you guys have all this faith in me, you know. But but yeah, you know, so I think there's a country song, and I can't remember who sings it, but it was like, uh, I want to be the woman you say I am, you know, or you think I am, you know. And so I I try to live up to those things sometimes, you know. And I meet elders who knew my dad or my my mom, you know, and they're always like, Oh, you're doing so well, you remind me of your dad, or you remind me of your mom, you know, and and I really take those as compliments. For sure. But we're all human, right? We have the undersurface stuff, you know, that we do deal with on a on an everyday basis. You know, um, in this illness that I'm going through, um, I had one of those moments the day before yesterday. And um, so I went and visited, I have a brand new grandbaby, my only true grandbaby, you know. And I was holding him in my arms, you know, and I was like, if you can be born in such a volatile time right now, in such a crazy time, and be so pure and so innocent and strive to live, then I can too.
SPEAKER_05You know, that's beautiful, yeah.
SPEAKER_04You know, and so when I get to feeling that way or feeling bad for myself, I go visit him, you know what I mean? Because I gotta remember that we all started kind of weak and vulnerable, right? You know, yeah, and we made it. We're all right. So can't be a crybaby today, knock it off. Right, so and I think of uh Auntie Norma, she's always like, Don't cry about it, don't cry about it, get up, yeah. I don't think there was ever anything soft about her, she was just always rugged, right?
SPEAKER_01That's awesome. Oh thank you so much. Thank you for joining us for talking with us. Thank you. Um, this has been amazing. I really appreciate it.
SPEAKER_04Well, I hope I helped. I don't know.
SPEAKER_05I I I think that your story is just so powerful and so beautiful, and it's an incredible reminder to each of us. Just like you said, we we all come into this world pure and innocent, and um and we can strive to to have that still. You know, we don't we don't have to be hardened by the the chaos that is all around us at all times. Yes. Um I I think that is a powerful and valuable reminder, especially at this time. So thank you so so much.
SPEAKER_04Oh no, thank you guys. You guys terrified me when she told me this. I was like, I was like, what?
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_05So I suppose, in in conclusion, in your own words, how do you think that we can all be more unified on our walk through life together?
SPEAKER_04Oh man. I I think that we need to understand that without a color, without religion, without a political view, we all believe the same. We're all human, we're all vulnerable. We all have those those feelings of insecurity. And I really think there's a lot of fear right now in this world, which causes us to be so indifferent to each other, you know what I mean? Um, and and and all that ugliness in the world isn't gonna change anything, you know. I mean, we at the very end of the day, we still have to be here. You know, I don't care if you're a jerk to me, you know, but do you need something? Like, what do you need? You know, do you need a hug?
SPEAKER_03You know, do you need a hug?
SPEAKER_04Like, what do you need, you know? And and I think that's no one ever asks that question to people anymore, you know. Like, are you okay? You know, and I just wish there was a lot more of that because we're we're really just humans trying to make it in this crazy life right now.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, of course, you know.
SPEAKER_04And um, I don't know. I don't I don't see those colors, I don't see those things, you know. I I always talk to people as human beings and not the color that they are, you know. And so, I mean, sometimes it works, sometimes it don't, but yeah, that's kind of my view on that.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, beautiful. I love that full circle moment of you were talking about going into, you know, you're I I think it was sixth grade, and you know, I don't know if I'm supposed to to punch him in the face or hug him, and and now and now you're like, Do you need a hug?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, do you need a hug?
SPEAKER_05I I I love that that is now um now the the go-to question and the go-to answer of just uh hugging and embracing and loving others where they're at.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I you know, I had one of these moments yesterday at a gas station. This man was irate because I parked in front of him this way and he was facing this way. You know, he's broke down and he's yelling at me, and I just looked at him and I said, Sir, can I help you with your car? And he goes, Help me. And I go, Do you need a jump? And then he goes, I'm just really having a bad day, you know. And I'm like, it's okay to have a bad day, you know. I said, but you know, can I call somebody? And he goes, Why are you being nice to me? I'm like, Well, it's rather me be nice to you than punch you, you know.
SPEAKER_01Wow, what a perfect example. Just a perfect example of living what you share.
SPEAKER_04Well, I appreciate this, guys. It felt it felt good too. I've been having a really rough time, so this kind of just came at the right time. Oh yeah, make makes me remember, you know, like why we're all here on this earth. Yeah, you know, absolutely.
SPEAKER_05Hey, we're all walking each other home.
SPEAKER_04Amen. I love that. I love that you said that. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Well, thank you again. Really thank you. Um, and thank you, listeners, for walking with us in this journey and listening to the podcast because we're loving our amazing guests who we are able to have conversations with. And Diane, you are definitely one of the ones that we're so grateful to have on our truly awesome. Thank you. I appreciate it.
SPEAKER_05Thank you. And until next time, remember, we love you and go and spread some love. Have a good time.
SPEAKER_04Okay.
SPEAKER_02Okay.